The War

After all, what is happiness? Love, they tell me. But love doesn’t bring and never has brought happiness. On the contrary, it’s a constant state of anxiety, a battlefield; it’s sleepless nights, asking ourselves all the time if we’re doing the right thing. Real love is composed of ecstasy and agony.

So Hello readers ,

I often reiterate the same thing that it’s a matter of proud to be born as a human on this earth. And of course, it is!. After all the almighty has given us a chance to explore this beautiful world.

I was born in the city of Hyderabad , also known as the pearl city. The fresh air of Hyderabad has many lessons to teach you. Not diving deep into the beguiling aura of Hyderabad, I would like to bring your focus on the life of this teen girl which is me.

I was running on the track today. My heart was pounding, I could barely breathe. I knew that when people looked at me they could see my flushed cheeks, that bright hot red. I allowed myself to go in continuous circles anyways. It’s familiar. It reminds me of high school days, and the daily hyperventilating before stepping out my door and into the morning air, counting my breaths. It reminds me of many bad things, none of which compare to the freedom of running like I did today.

But today I’m running alone, which itself is a sign of victory . A while ago this simple act was found in my day dreams , today it is the ultimate freedom: battling barriers, proving others wrong and most importantly proving to myself that I can enjoy the simplest parts of life that so many others get to enjoy on a daily basis.

Life is a timelessly unshakable victory of marvelously majestic honesty / over the horrendously squelched web of disconcertingly malicious deceit

. ……Nikhil parekh

Life was always a roller coaster for me, but now I realise that ,the victory is in realising this mere fact.

From cursing my life to living my life to its fullest, a journey that took me 18 years.My body was a cage, that was kept tightly locked by my mind.

The life of a girl is full of challenges from the very beginning not just because of the physical pains she has to suffer in the course of her life but also because of the pressure and restrictions society puts on her freedom. Without girls, this universe will end. They are the procreators and nurturers of a new life in this world. Still, in many societies like in our Indian society, the birth of a girl is often not celebrated the way the birth of a boy is celebrated. Even if there are parents who give all their love to their girls giving them the best of everything they can, still because of the attitude of the society towards them they have to suffer a lot. I only wish to change this attitude of society towards the girls letting them stretch their wings and fly high! But I was lucky enough to get parents who loved me like a princess, they were a little conservative but they were always with me. They did a lot for me, but there conservative minds never realised the pain what I was going through.

Indian parents are always taught to care deeply about what other people think of us, and as a result, we tend to focus only on sharing the good and keep the bad hidden away. This attitude can make it very difficult for us to talk about the realities of being an Indian woman and daughter — experiences with oppressive parenting, violence, abuse, mental health issues, addiction, and more. We talk a lot about the good stuff (and we should!), but when it comes to the tough stuff, we just don’t.

Another reason we may not speak the truth to power of being an India daughter is the fear of upcoming biases.Many of us are committed to fulfilling our parents’ expectations because as children, we received conditional forms of love. When we did what our parents wanted us to do, we were celebrated and received their acceptance. But when we didn’t listen to them and didn’t do what they wanted, we were reprimanded and criticized, and love was taken away. Often, these patterns continue into adulthood — and it feels awful.

This importantly, stopped me from cultivating self love and instead it made me stick in a place of woundedness and in my life I couldn’t conduct to anyone, it prevented me from attracting the best love into my life. This slowly hallowened my soul. Cheats, betrayals were an added spice. Things became pretty difficult now. Some days were as simple as canceling plans with friends, other days meant crying between classes and throwing up for hours before an exam. Many days felt wasted, because I confined myself to my bed, paralyzed by fear. For a while I tried convincing myself I was the same as everyone else, or just overly sensitive. When people said they had anxiety I was sure it was just an expression. As I got older I developed ways to deal with myself , such as making color coded lists for hours on end or spending my nights writing down everything I needed to do to be “perfect”. But it didn’t work. Before I knew it I was unable to make phone calls without a panic attack, and eventually… unable to love anyone new in my life. I was unable to love. It got to a point where I considered suicide, a personal moment for me that I will never be able to forget.

This ink, kept running out of my pen. This paper of my life was stained, tears kept running free, after all I was stuck in a daze. And this is when I picked up my pen to the paper, to write the words, my voice couldnt deliver.
My heart was heavy , with pain and despair.
I couldn’t breathe , I was fighting for air.
My mind is spinning, at the speed of light.
This pain in my life clouded my mind.
The thoughts seemed deafening
But after all it is a Heartache,
I hoped I’ll be okay.

I realised that life was a scripted film,racing for an oscar win. Darkness seemed brighter and solace seemed ephemeral. My soul was drowning with weight and loved faces frowned with hate. Burdened was my back , with the pain in my track. Nothing remained permanent except my black sober eyes.

Noone could hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echoed in my dreams.Behind this face that carries a smile. There was a dark road that goes on mile after mile.My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.What can I tell everyone? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

Noone helped no one helps. The dark road of my life started filling with happiness when I started loving myself . When you love yourself more then things simply become lighter and easier.
You won’t overthink and make as many mountains out of molehills (or out of plain air) as you used to. Or beat yourself up or drag yourself down over mistakes or temporary setbacks. I have become so emotionally strong that noone can break me up.

It’s not uncommon for someone with an anxiety disorder to also suffer from depression or vice versa. Nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.Everyone experiences pain at some point, but for those with depression or anxiety, pain can become particularly intense and hard to treat. People suffering from depression, for example, tend to experience more severe and long-lasting pain than other people.

With a little hope in my heart ,I hope no kid dies out of this anxiety pain. Guys open up to people, speak it out, or else it is going to hallucinate you for the rest of your life. Keep loving and spreading #happiness

A person can live without food for 4 weeks, without water for 4 days,without air for 4 minutes but without hope ,a person can’t even survive for 4 seconds.

So find the hope of your life as hope is to our spirits is what oxygen is to our lungs. Be the reason someone smiles. Be the reason someone feels loved and believes in the goodness of people

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